The Sick Me vs. The Well Me

I have had schizophrenic symptoms since 1992, for almost ten years now. In the time after I contracted the disease, I have somehow gotten my undergraduate degree in English and a graduate degree in Library Science. Along the way I've had to learn to reconcile the sick versus well me. One of the biggest helping hands I've received in my life is this tool of knowing somehow when I'm sick and when I'm well. The degrees are cool too.

When I am well, life is easy. I don't have to have patience with disordered thinking, or depression. When I'm sick; however, it is a totally different story. Sometimes living day to day is a chore when you are a mentally ill person. Situations that a "healthy" person would easily deal with become insurmountable. When they happen to me and I am sick, I hope for them to just go away as soon as possible. This approach to life requires more patience than I ever had to muster when I was well.

How did I get my college degrees? Slowly. I paced myself. I went to school half-time for my Masters degree, and had to deal with many sick thoughts. How do I recognize sick thoughts versus well thoughts? That's a good question, because some people don't ever realize they are sick even when it is obvious to everyone around them. Insight, for me, is hard to come about when I am ill because the illness can be more real than reality. Kind of like a bad trip. I've never used hallucinogens, so I'm guessing that is how it must be.

How do I learn to trust people when I'm slightly psychotic? I can trust people when I am only slightly psychotic. If I were deep in psychosis, there would be no way I could do this. I juxtapose my present with my past, and then I notice something aberrant about my thoughts. A friend calls them 'signposts.' When I'm being too negative or too positive I notice it, and it is dangerous. If I'm too negative, I'm usually very tired. The quick fix? Go to sleep. Feeling too good means I'll be going down the wrong road soon, so I pop a 5mg pill of Navane and I stop the euphoria. If I'm feeling paranoid and in class, I reach inside, take some medicine that my psychiatrist has graciously prescribed, and say this too will pass, and it always did, eventually. Usually, paranoia would hit me in social situations when I was finishing up my degrees, and also at night. For me, physical fatigue can bring on sick thoughts. Realizing this, and pacing myself through school really paid off.

Another trick I use for dealing with my schizophrenia in school is reality testing through others. If I'm having sensory hallucinations, then I ask people if what I'm experiencing is real. A frequent question I had and still have at night is, "Do you smell smoke?" The trick is to believe the answer you get. It's hard to trust others when you are psychotic, but if you know for an objective fact that sane people can offer insight, it helps.

In conclusion, if you are going for schooling and have a mental illness, my pearl of wisdom would be to pace yourself. You can do it. I'm mentally ill and I did. I'm living proof. I've seen intelligent people with mental illness fail in advanced studies just because they didn't pace themselves. Go half time. If in doubt, take it nice and slow. It might be frustrating at times, but if you want it badly enough you can do it!